A TALE OF MEDALS, MAYHEM, AND ONE VERY SALTY CODY

It was a crisp morning aboard the USS Participation Trophy, a ship known for its impeccable record of doing absolutely nothing noteworthy. The crew gathered on deck for yet another medal ceremony, the third that week. Brandon Herrera, a wiry man with a grin that screamed “I can’t believe this either,” stood at attention as the captain pinned yet another Navy Achievement Medal to his chest—his 27th, to be exact. Beside him, Cody Garrett, a lanky sailor with a single, lonely medal pinned to his uniform, muttered under his breath, “This has to be a glitch in the matrix.”

The saga began years ago when Brandon earned his first medal for “heroically untangling the ship’s anchor chain after it got caught in what was later identified as a sentient wad of seaweed.” The citation called it “a triumph of nautical ingenuity,” though Cody, who’d been there, distinctly remembered Brandon just yanking on it until it gave up. “I pulled on a rope once,” Cody grumbled to himself, “and all I got was a splinter and a lecture about tetanus.”

Medal #2 came when Brandon “averted disaster” by eating an entire tray of questionable shrimp tacos from the galley before anyone else could, thus sparing the crew from food poisoning. The captain hailed it as “selfless sacrifice,” while Cody, who’d skipped lunch that day, stared into the void and whispered, “I don’t even like shrimp, and I’m still losing.”

By Medal #7, the absurdity was in full swing. Brandon got it for “innovative use of resources” after he turned a broken radar dish into a makeshift Slip ‘N Slide during a slow day in the Pacific. The crew loved it, but Cody, who’d slipped off the end and bruised his tailbone, seethed, “I invented pain that day, and where’s my medal?”

Medal #13 was awarded for “exceptional diplomatic finesse” when Brandon accidentally insulted a foreign dignitary by calling his ceremonial hat “a funky little soup bowl,” only for the dignitary to laugh it off and sign a trade deal. Cody, who’d spent six months learning basic greetings in three languages, threw his phrasebook overboard in despair.

The 19th medal came after Brandon “demonstrated unparalleled courage” by wrestling a seagull that had stolen the captain’s sandwich mid-flight. Feathers flew, bread crumbs rained, and Brandon emerged victorious, sandwich in hand. Cody, who’d once shooed a pigeon off the deck and gotten pecked for his trouble, hissed, “That bird hated me more than my ex-wife.”

Medal #22 was for “logistical brilliance” when Brandon rerouted the ship’s laundry system to dry socks faster by taping them to the engine room vents. The crew cheered their warm feet, while Cody, whose socks had been lost in the same vent experiment, muttered, “I’m walking around in flip-flops, and this guy’s a hero?”

The 27th medal, pinned on that very morning, was the crowning jewel of ridiculousness. Brandon earned it for “unprecedented environmental stewardship” after he accidentally spilled a bucket of glitter into the ocean during a prank gone wrong, only for it to attract a pod of dolphins that entertained the crew for hours. The captain called it “a gift to morale,” while Cody, who’d been scrubbing glitter off the deck for days, glared at the horizon and said, “I’m one sparkle away from mutiny.”

As the ceremony ended, Brandon shrugged at Cody, his chest now a clinking tapestry of shiny nonsense. “Guess I’m just lucky,” he said, smirking. Cody, clutching his single medal—earned for “showing up on time for 365 consecutive days,” a feat he’d nearly died of boredom to achieve—snapped, “Luck? You’re a walking cartoon, and I’m the guy who gets hit with the anvil.”

The crew dispersed, and Brandon wandered off to probably stumble into Medal #28—maybe by sneezing in Morse code or something equally stupid. Cody stayed behind, staring at his lone medal, wondering if the Navy would ever notice his greatest achievement: not throttling Brandon Herrera on the spot.

And so, the legend of Brandon grew, a sarcastic satire of valor where heroism was just dumb luck with better PR, while Cody Garrett remained the unsung hero of not losing his mind.